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Maggie Goes Hawaiian
    "The Haole from Downing"

[USA, 2012. DVD release - Fall]
Music by Don Ho, Hugo Winterhalter, and The Fugs (featuring "Skin Flowers").

LIVELY rating: A/S KJ-R

Decanting a little known episode in the life of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher when she visited the Hawaiian Islands in the fall of 1983, Maggie Goes Hawaiian explores the inner turmerol of those in power, those who once had power, and, for some, the all-abiding sense of helplessness in the presence of Hawaiian pulled pork.

Heading for an Australian conference, with a "fly-over" the Falkland Islands, Thatcher included a symbolic visit to the Big Island where British Captain James Cook was killed and cooked on the shores of Kealakekua Bay in 1779.

Whether planned, or merely fortuitous, Richard Nixon (by senior new-comer Hugh Briss-Trimley) was also stopping briefly in Hawaii on his way to China.

The scenery - you can't call walking around action - takes place mostly on the shore as Thatcher (played by Sally Hempshed) and that other guy walk back and forth with their separate thoughts and grimaces, highlighted occasionally by what appears to be a soft-focus shark attack in the background, accompanied by a bit of scurrying about by people in burqas.

Spoiled-milk Alert! - cutting-edge excerpt follows:

RN:  Lovely evening for a waters-edge ambulation.

MT:  Yes it is. The sand is very black and green though. Not very complementary to my ensemble. I like to say that word the french way when outside the country. On-somb. On-somb. Very liberating.

RN:  Never took a liking to that frog prince Georges Pompidou. Pom-pee-dou. Pom-pee-doudle. You know you're right. Say something else.

Nixon Voice Over (sounding like Truman Capote):

I could fornicate with her - if I wasn't, well, Richard Nixon, and she wasn't, OK, Margaret Thatcher. We're in a Hawaii, for heavens sake. I could use imagination. This could be a real bodice ripper moment as they say, that is if she wasn't wearing that frocky thing that looks like a suit. But maybe I'd end up ripping my suit. I paid a lot of money for that. I bet she'd like to know what I paid. She probably only gives her husband a clothes allowance. I'd like an allowance - just once. My bare toes have never touched beach sand - never. I wonder what it's like. Probably dirty. I understand people walk their dogs on the beach. I could get one of the secret service boys to go barefoot and tell me what it's like - maybe they could record it. ... But I don't have them any longer. ... I wish Henry was around. There's a guy who knows how to make moves, or snoggin noises, on women. Maybe I could call David Frost later.

RN:  Geez.

MT:  You said something Richard?

RN:  Huh? I think I have pulled pork in my sock again - eww sauce too - no it could be blood, no it's sauce. Whew, that was a close one. Would you like a pork sandwich? I have one in my pocket ... When are you leaving again?

MT:  You are smooth - walker - I'm surprised...

PM Voice Over (sounding like Levon Helm):

Holy William Pitt "The Younger," this is not like talking to Ronnie. Something in his shoe, hah, probably a recording device he was going to plant on me. Speaking of plant, I remember Ronnie's doodles at the '81 Ottawa conference. I grabbed that sheet when he wasn't looking. He doodled me with my hat and pearls off. I felt so vulnerable. Naughty man. I'd still let him doodle on me - no permanent ink mind you. Where was I? The waiter - the way he glissando'd to my table at dinner - too attentive? - could be Argentinian. Better have MI6 special interview him - not around the face though - might eat there again - though not that pork they're always carrying on about - I don't eat things wrapped in leaves and cooked in dirt, or sand, or whatever - I have a proper meal with some kind of meat drippings.

MT:  You...

As the sun set, they realized they had not been walking together for some time, although that didn't seem to impede the conversation, or inner dialog. So they waved farewell to each other and repaired to their respective rooms to cudgel their staff over this disastrous idea of getting together. Later, they settled down and each watched, coincidentally, the same Bob Ross episode, while thinking about clearer days hopefully ahead, and, for one of them, a pork and eggs breakfast.

Go figure.