______________________________________________________________________________________

Interview with Cyril Stipley

Part 1:  At home

Cyril:  If you don't mind, you can start this discussion while I prepare my late morning palliative - a White Nimbus - of my own creation I might add - Maalox and Cirrus brand potato vodka. I also enjoy it often at the end of an evening, while a bit of Beth Orton is playing, or maybe Axelle Red.

GvJ:   That's interesting, but...

Cyril:  Now your publisher, or whomever is running this online rag, agreed with my agent's request, no demand, that there is to be no discussion whatsoever about those little misunderstandings I had at some of those secondary schools concerning my desire for, I mean availability for, private cooking sessions.

Nutmeg is well known as a mild hallucinogenic, and will affect people, particularly pliable supple women, differently. So, the generous use of it in my low-fat custard tarts should never have been construed as anything untoward. Good gravy man, the EMTs ate them on at least three different occasions. And also drank a lot of the champagne, which I considered very impertinent.

I think I'll fix another. Care for a glass of water?

GvJ:   Again, that's very interesting, but first we wish to extend to you our welcome back to GvJ as a regular contributor.

Cyril:  That's very kind, but I must point out that I was not previously a contributor. Your so-called journal had a very flexible attitude about the use my U.K. magazine columns, but that's all been resolved - with a rather small check - and I now look forward to a fruitful and pit-less relationship.

GvJ:   Well, moving along then. You've been very busy bringing your semi-rigid nutritional standards to various schools in the U.S., that is, where your spontaneous appearances were welcomed, and we'd like to get to that later in the interview, but initially we understand that you've embraced the actual green in home improvement products.

Cyril:  Attractive clipboard you're reading from - a potential food product idea there. And yes, the economic downturn has opened up opportunities on the furry side of the green revolution.

Indeed, this house is clad in BoVinyl™ siding, made primarily from hooves, crusty pan bits, volcanic ash, and recycled plastic deodorant containers, which, admittedly, for now limits the color choices.

GvJ:  Yes, we noticed the orange sort of glow in the distance as we drove here. We also noticed as we got out of the Edsel that for such an upscale neighborhood there seems to be quite a bit of outdoor cooking - considering that it's only about fifty-five degrees outside.

Cyril:  Oh, that's the siding. On some wet days, like today, the house smells like the drippings from a nice Sunday roast. Lovely. If you're English, it hardly takes getting use to.

GvJ:  Uh, OK. Tell us about your new venture into school nutrition products.

Cyril:  Time and again we heard from some school's nutrition director, whom we like refer to as la nymphe du cuisine - ooh, I'm so bad - that one cost factor that ultimately affects the school's food budget is the cost of trays, as they call them. So, the development team thought "why chuck'em, or stack'em," when one could just eat them.

GvJ:  So Tray-con Bits™ was hatched.

Cyril:  Well, "hatched" implies a feathered or reptilian parent, and this is all about the beef.

They are made from vitamin enriched, low-calorie, glutinized beef aspects. What's truly unique about this product is that it has a delicious fruit sauce dessert layer. It's a thick sauce, so even if some buck-toothed urchin bites vigorously into the dessert layer he won't get it all over his clothes.

I might add, that even if young snively makes a royal mess of it, and the resin, I mean fruit, gets about, it does offer the possibility of acquiring secondary protein sources in the form of flies, moths, mosquitos, gnats, worms, grubs, fruit bats, plankton, and air-borne man-made food crusts that might adhere to the sticky bits on the clothes during the course of the school day.

GvJ:   You really think parents will be satisfied having their kids consuming cafeteria trays or eating from their clothes rather than more traditional lunch fare?

Cyril:  Well, we don't wish to pry. And whether young Horace eats what's on or below the plate may not be the highest priority.

Look, choice - nutritional choices - are what it's all about. So, if the tarty little snoggers don't like what's on the dish, they can choose, for example, a roasted garlic, broccoli and chorizo flavored CFLP - Consumable Food Levitation Platform - we're trying to get away from the mundane term "tray," which is so last millennium. We had initially considered calling them TREs - Trays Ready to Eat - but your U.S. Pentagon had objected. Something about that they had a similar consumable at veterans' hospitals.

You should also note that the CFLPs are also available in back-pack sizes for a healthy after-school indulgence.

You have to move your pen once and awhile there. That way we can both appear to be interested in doing this.

GvJ:  Huh? Right. The thought of some kid eating a luncheon tray - a CFLP - on the way home from school, frankly, boggles the mind.

Cyril:  Yes, it tends to do that, particularly after one has consumed several of them.

GvJ:  By the way, all this siding smell makes us hungry. Any chance of a Philly cheese steak?

Cyril:  Of course, but I only have it with the cherry tart dessert layer.

Part Two:  "Say Wow for the Cow" Project

______________________________________________________________________________________