Special Riverside Report

By Josetta Coenann
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"Low Spark of Front Street Girls"

On Monday, the Port Jervis Common Council rejected a proposed "Section 8 Bed-Check" ordinance. At the same meeting, it confirmed its support for the "I wear Port Jervis-made makeup" initiative.

Carol Gladgrind had assembled a petition of over 300 signatures to control what she referred to as the "strumpetization" of Port Jervis by women and their "gentlemen callers" who "aren't where they should be in the late evening." Under the ordinance, the City would have had to sound a 10 minute warning siren at 10:50 PM each evening requiring each resident, or visitor, in rent-subsidized "Section 8" housing within the City limits, to return home.

“Under former Mayor LoPriority,” said Gladgrind, “we were told that consideration of this proposal was 'right up there with other matters that are low on the list of stuff the City should be considering at this time.' We thought in the current environment, as Port Jervis becomes less liveable, we had a shot a getting it passed this time despite the apparent conflict of interest of City officials with semi-habitable real estate holdings.”

“Checking up on people is not what Port Jervis is all about,” said Melvin Pardieu, Port's consultant "spin-ozo." “Such a law would be discriminatory, migratory, inflammatory - it's based on unfathomable toroidal reasoning, and, ultimately, some kind of illegal.”

“We want to be viewed as a slum-lord and street peddler - I mean Arts Walk - friendly community. Last year or so, we had a cosmetic manufacturing facility that was considering relocating to Texas or some other overly god-fearing place. That would have meant the loss of a substantial number of jobs. We still need to show that Port Jervis supports business and, in this case, we encourage both women and men to purchase these cosmetics as a sign of solidarity. There's nothing wrong with a man wearing a little blush, eyeliner, tsetse fly repellent, or exfoliant. 'I wear Port Jervis-made makeup' buttons will be distributed during the next street peddler fair, 'Sashay This Way,' at the end of August. We need to Walk and Blush Tall in support of this.”

For Carol Gladgrind, this setback is the latest in a long series of disappointments and rejections. "I may still blow a small siren each night at 10:50 PM. Unfortunately, I probably
will be already at home."

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Josetta Coenann is a frequent contributor to tri-state area newspapers. She draws a goosefoot of solace from her good fortune to occasionally stumble over the truth, pick herself up, and scurry onward as if nothing had happened.